About feeling safe inside my own body

This is an excerpt from my diary, I just thought maybe someone needs to read this or has similar thoughts

(….) I want to sleep soon but I’m hungry. When I come home there is nothing I could make quickly except for oats ( which I do eat very very often) When I’ll eat straight after going for groceries, not taking onto account that I don’t know what to take there, it’s going to be cold. When I want something hot I get only fast food. Objectively seen I should gain some weight but it’s hard if you feel bloated, have aches & only see your belly expand.

You know, it’s the 21st October already and „early“ morning (7am). I am fighting with myself again to get out of my cozy warm bed. I know I can’t stay here for too long. Anyway, it’s hard and I feel pregnant again.. Though what I wanted to capture here is the notion that my belly is my business, just as my body is. I read so often that when you are old, there is no one ever wished to have worried more about his/her appearance (or bing liked and famous) and abs. Then again, I remind myself of this absolutely sick society that first decides curvy women to be the prettiest, then in the 90s every beauty has abs, flat back and a little breasts. What is it now? Extremely sporty, abs but a big butt and boobs, I guess. You should have something, but not too much otherwise you are overweight.. Margarete Stokowski puts it nicely I think, in saying that her boy is a demonstration and she is not ashamed of it. She want her body to be just as it is because the is the way it fits most perfectly to her.

The woman body is more political than I thought because everyone makes conclusions about it. If you are underdressed, you are a hoe and if you are completely coated you should before yourself or seen as a nun. Women Bodies (naked or sexualised) play a huge role in marketing and advertisement. Only yesterday a friend of mine commented how pity it is that girls show themselves half-naked only to get fame. It is more a pity that girls get fame because of this and sometimes only because of showing skin.

How do I want my body to look like? I just want to feel good in my own skin, no matter what fashion magazines write of. However, I find myself too often comparing with models and women who are famous or just liked. Women who train their ass of like Pamela Reif, because sure, there are loads of women who want to look the same. Should I care ? No! Do I? Yes, unfortunately..

Every body is different and so is mine and I have to learn to accept this fact once and for all. Is this wanted to tell? Figuring out that the female body Is a protest feels heavy. Though, most of all I liked her (Margarete’s) idea to just craft some pair of angel wings and walk around with them than fit into stigmata and crave to be a Victoria Secret Angel. I liked this so much because we be our own models without having to weigh and measure ourselves. The thing is – this has been said already. Multiple times & still we keep on fighting against our bodies, against ourselves. We keep glancing at photoshopped photos and skinny models. It could be so easy to throw off those chains all the industries have allured us to put on. We make up the society we live in and only we have the power to change it. Someone has to start and by now we have many someones who started already. Protesting verbally but also physically with their bodies. We believe, we need to adapt to how others look like but this is bullshit because at the same time we celebrate those who look differently. (Then again while praising others we open up examination and judgement.. it’s an endless cycle) Can we actually do something right?