Question yourself & see yourself grow

This is an extract I found recently in my archives and even though it is quite personal I thought it could be helpful to people struggling with themselves. It helps to write about yourself, what you know, what you want to know, and what you don’t know about yourself. Ask yourself questions and try to answer them.

So here I am now 

Scrubbing off my skin from my knees thinking that I should come up with an idea

It feels as if I am starting from the beginning now

As if I have to start learning everything again 

I wonder how long it will take that I realise having finished my exams and my school time – that this was it. That was my time behind a desk. I am never going to sit there anymore never have to wake up early to see the sun rise at Maths. 

What is my mission?, I ask myself now. I don’t want to live my life further like I did today, eating all the time, cooking and checking up messages, mails, news feeds, weather, time – everything – every ten minutes. 

I need a mission, I need to define a goal for myself. I repeat the question without having even thought about an answer. Asking myself over and over again won’t make the process go faster.. I want to be a writer, do some art, explore the world.  Classic, people would say. Isn’t this almost everybody’s dream? 

But how to make truly turn it into an actual living? I have all the doors open, all the options all alternatives, I can do everything and this I have to understand first. You can do everything girl, don’t stick with the past like I use to when I flip through social media pictures from close ex-people. Don’t stuck in the past anyway. Live in the now, and all that stuff I used to tell myself on and on, read it on and on. I got that I shouldn’t drown myself in nostalgia, what’s gone is gone and I want to get further anyway. Just how?? Two question mark, well if that doesn’t look panicked. 

I don’t feel free, I don’t feel as if I can do all the things in life. 

Girl, what is your mission? What makes you unique? 

I was born not where I live, I was raised with two languages, Russian and German 

I don’t know any one else with so much sentimentality and empathy as myself – and really you cannot say compassion (though I’d love to) because I soak in the suffering of others and make it part of my own at least for some time. I keep bothering about things which many people wouldn’t stick to much anymore. 

Guide for questioning:

What do you love to do?

What are you afraid of?

How do behave around people you like or you don’t know?

Are you regretting things?

Where are your roots?

What makes you unique? What makes you different from others?